Reputation, perfection and dead ends.

It amazes me now that I understand it,

How much energy I would put into making sure others thought well of me,

Because that’s the way I thought you became a good person,

And could finally relax a bit.

 

I am a high performer and do well in my career.

But I’ve had perfectionism hard at work in the background.

This had me overthinking things

Because, to my way of understanding,

There was a right or wrong decision,

And the wrong decision

I would pay a very high price for.

 

So while I was respected and doing well,

I was tense and tired.

A lot.

Because so much energy was going into

How others perceived me,

And being careful of “wrong” decisions

And the “disaster” they might bring.

 

I’m actually really thankful that,

Eventually,

Most people thought of me,

What I wanted them to think of me.

AND I was really surprised,

Really,

When accomplishing this did nothing to make me feel better.

 

I wasn’t happier, or happy really.

I still operated from the same insecurities.

What’s interesting is,

Others saw me as the leader I was,

And I continued not to.

 

I was left with me.

I had worked at their perceptions,

But not mine.

So there self-doubt sat.

Unattended.

 

Lots of pieces needed moving in my life.

And they were all mine to move, create, shake up.

How I thought about myself.

How I thought about risk.

How I thought about my purpose.

My point.

 

I had to really learn,

I am ALWAYS the reason

I feel the way I do .

About my life.

About myself.

About my career.

My success.

 

And things like perfection, and “mistakes”

Slowly fell out of the picture.

And a person emerged

At home with herself,

Clear on her objectives,

Much better with any type of decision made.

Creating so much more room,

For others to show up,

Because I’d done the work,

For me to show up.

 

We’re going to put energy into life,

A lot at times.

Use that energy to create.

To show up as you are.

Rather than pouring

Time, stress and energy into managing

How the world sees you.

 

Ultimately,

It lets you put more of you,

Into your work, your contributions, your life.