All That Shapes Us

God bless my "not normal".

I have hated it.

I have been afraid of it.

I have closed down and fought against it.

Still it didn’t leave.

 

From a place of feeling so shitty,

One day,

I decided to treat this like I’m left handed.

Ok, so what I am experiencing OCD?

AND?

If I treat this like I’m left handed,

Then it just is what it is.

Has nothing to do with anything.

Keep working on it.

Keep sorting it out.

AND?

And suddenly I could hear

My life calling me back.

 

Suddenly I could see

That even with something like this,

I am still called to live my life.

To serve in the world.

To navigate my own darkness.

So I know how.

 

The further I went into the dark

The lighter my world became.

Eventually.

 

You don’t learn about courage

By just being afraid,

Or by making sure your life

Never makes you afraid.

 

You can not know

How amazing you really, truly are,

Without hitting your knees.

Sometimes.

 

You have to KNOW the hard part of the emotion,

To really, deeply experience the other side of it.

Even happiness.

 

Truly!  I know.

I spent years

“Forcing” fear away.

Wanting to just be happy.

Not realizing I can’t know happy,

If I don’t know despair.

 

I can experience it,

Like a beautiful photograph

That brings me peace to look at.

But I don’t know it.

I know of it.

 

I just didn’t know that…

Until I suffered.  :)

 

I still don’t enjoy fear,

Anxiety,

Awkwardness.

But I’m telling you,

There is more than you know.

More depth.

More meaning.

More joy.

More trust.

And guess what we also have to

know to experience that?

 

Our wounds.

The things in our lives that are so, so hard to sort through.

That we just want to go away.

Be made perfect.

Stop bothering us.

Those things that hurt us so bad.

 

They HAVE to happen.

They are part of our continual becoming.

We have to walk our fire,

Because this world needs all of us.

Just as we are.

And the gifts we have.

And the courage we show.

 

The beautiful soul that

Touches the world today,

As a Mom,

A boss,

A teacher,

A plumber,

It’s yours because of all you have been through.

And the world needs the you

That was borne because of your whole walk.

 

Without OCD,

I wouldn’t have understood

What it’s like to be so deep in darkness,

And how to choose to trust

And stay planted

And give.

 

Because of my experience

With OCD

Here is what I know:

I know I can be with you in your darkness because I’ve been in my own.

I know this is happening for you, even if you don’t yet.

I know I trust myself in a whole different way,

A way that doesn’t look for guarantees or life to be ok all the time.

I know that what we make of what we’re experiencing makes a huge difference.

I know the power of seeing where you can choose in a situation.

I know on the other side of painful vulnerability,

Eventually, there is peace.

And I know we are not here to “do it alone”.

None of us.